The Whine Bar

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Archive for the category “The Local Whine List”

The Start of a Bad Joke!

A Blonde, a Man and an Irishman walk into a bar. Who do you serve?

What if I then told you that the Blonde was pregnant, the Man was a priest and the Irishman was hammered because his wife had just died?

A few nights ago I was confronted with this situation. Now, I don’t consider myself particularly religious, I believe in the right for women to choose what they do with their own body and, even against the majority, I don’t have anything against the Irish. But, on this night I found myself hesitating at the beer taps.

First to be culled from the list was the drunk leprechaun. I figured that if nothing else it was illegal for me to serve him in that state. The other two weren’t as easy.

The priest was next. As I am not affiliated with any one church I could rationalise it easy. Where I found myself struggling was that this man had taken a vow to abstain and his ‘flock’ (is that right?) trusted him. What to do?

I considered the woman with child. What if she was just ordering for a friend? If only. Nope, the bottle of wine she had ordered was for herself, and baby I guess. Then again, who was I to judge? Would it make me a hypocrite of Women’s Rights to refuse her service?

Coward as I am, I passed them on to another tender. They could live with the decision.

What would you do?


The Marlborough Myth

Last time you ordered a Sauvignon Blanc did you ask for a New Zealand Marlborough? Guess what? There are much better choices!

So far with my experience with wine, which I admit- hasn’t been all that extensive, I have noticed 9 out of 10 people will ask for a Kiwi when ordering a Sav. What is it about that region that has people obssessed?

If you’re one of those who jump on the New Zealand band wagon i’m here to tell you to consider your options. Australian wines, if you give them a chance, are actually phenomenal. My favourite region is Adelaide Hills. Their wines have the zest and zing you want in a sav but they’re more “find what i’ve got” where as a Kiwi sav might say “look what i’ve got”!

So don’t be a sheep when it comes to the wine list; don’t follow the heard!



Lick, Sip, Suck.

Ever wondred what shot to order when you get sick of wet pussies?
Curious as to how many wet pussies get ordered on a friday night I kept a tally last week. I made 52 of the damn things!
Why is it that they are the most popular shot? They aren’t very strong, girls get embarrassed downing them and guys whisper awkwardly when ordering them. I just asked my boyfriend to name some shots and no word of a lie, he could only name the WP! So time to branch out!
If you’re heading to your favourite bar, keen for a big night out and shots are on the list: here is some advice to get (and keep!) the night going!

First shot of the night?
It should be something sweet but not sickly. This ensures you can continue drinking without feeling the need to throw up. Try a Dangerous Liason. Of my own invention it contains, lychee liqueur, vodka, blue curacao and a drop of grenadine. It is delicious, doesn’t leave a foul after taste in your mouth and is a nice kickstart to the night.

The instagramers
These are for the stage of the night when you have your cameras out!

* The Rainbow Shot. Hard for bartenders to get right, but when they do they are loads of fun. Contains, chambord, blue curacao, cranberry juice, orange juice, tequila and midori.
*The Brain Hemorrhage, also known as an Alien Abortion. Peach schnapps, floated baileys with a few drops of grenadine.
*The Skittle Bomb. A twist of the classic (and over used) Jager Bomb. In the glass you still have red bull, just drop it with grenadine. In the shot glass, vodka and cointreau. I kid you not- tastes like a handful of skittles.

The pick me up
Your classic shot for those who are hitting a wall.

* Tequila! I suggest you don’t order the cheapest brand. A smooth tequila may cost but it doesn’t make you want to throw up afterwards.

Last shot of the night?
This should be one to remember!
*The Angry German. A concoction of vanilla vodka, chambord, jager and lime juice. WARNING- This shot will make you look like an angry German after downing. Chase it with a glass of water and your set. A) it washes the sour taste out of your mouth and B) hydrates you after a night of drinking and helps avoid the hangover in the morning.

Happy hunting.

Show us your tips

Feeling tipsy?
Ever wondered why you should tip a bartender? Or questioned how much you should give? Is it everytime you order? Or just at the end of the night?
Some handy hints to help…

1. Tip generously on your first round. The pours thereafter will be as generous and you will be served shortly after arriving at the bar each time.
2. Any change $1 or under, leave. If you’re the guy who waits for 10c change don’t expect to get any special treatment
3. Good bartenders will take the time to learn your orders to personalise the service. This is to avoid you feeling like just another face in the crowd. If this happens, tip, tip, tip! A) they think your worth the effort and B) They will spot you at the other end of the bar, make your drinks and have them in front of you before you have spoken a word. That’s service!
4. If you open a bar tab always tip at least 10%.
5. If you are there with a group of friends or business associates, try tipping one bartender $20. They will not only look after you the entire night, your drinks will be over poured, your service will be friendly and table service is not out of the question
6. If you are playing pokies and have a big win, tip a $20 or $50. Depends on how many free drinks you want. If you drop a big tip I promise you will be drinking for free with machine service.
7. If you know you’re in for a big night, tipping will help ease the pain for the tenders when you start to get drunk. It’s amazing how our tolerence levels rise for tippers and how many non-tippers get kicked out!

So don’t be affraid to flash us your tips.

Shy or Sly?

Girls, how’s this for a pick up story?

I was working in the bar alone on a quiet monday night. Your typical crowd came in for $12 steak night but by 9pm my voice was the only one to be heard above the constant hum of the pokie tunes. The knowledge that we would be open for another three hours was never far from my mind. However, my luck turned. A group of guys, all around 23, walked through the doors. As they approached the bar I took the chance to eyeball. The three of them were dressed in chinos, two with baseball shirts, the last had a button up denim look going for him. Straight away I decided that they were not my type and served them their vodka, lime and sodas tall glasses with straws.
After an hour, the dominant personality of the group started to throw a few comments my way. Nothing special, just your average chit chat. While I was engaging in the not so thrilling banter of Mr Personality, I noticed that Denim Shirt kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye. It wasn’t because he was trying to check me out or anything, he just seemed really shy and didn’t know how to intereact with a female.

A few drinks later it was Mr Shy’s turn to buy the round. I watched him nervously approach the bar. I casually went over and asked how his night was going and if they lived in the area. He just beamed a rather large smile at me and nodded. Ok,  didn’t really answer my question but I chalked it up to the nerves. So to put him out of his misery, I asked if they were having the same order. He shook his head and flashed that smile of his. He began to say something that came out as “Su….Sup…Sss”. Within a few seconds he had given up, held out three fingers and pointed to the Super Dry tap.

They ended up staying until close and the entire time Smiley kept bearing his pearly whites. I couldn’t understand why he just wouldn’t talk to me though. At midnight, as they were leaving, he came up to the bar and dropped a note in front of me. Written on the back of a TAB ticket was

Hi my name is Asher,
I am so sorry I didn’t grab your name or number but I have this condition that makes me stutter when I am nervous. It seems to only happen when I talk to pretty bartenders. No point giving you my phone number because if you called I would be reduced to a stuttering mess. I hope to see you again sometime”

The next night, sure enough, he came in to collect my number. No stutter this time! When he asked why I wouldn’t give it to him I simply said, “It was a lie”.
His response was “But it worked. I had you thinking about me all day and wondering when I would be in next”
I have to admit, it was a pretty cute, and a well executed move!

Long Straws, Lies and Low Carbs

Guys, ever tried to impress the female bartender with your order? Here’s how NOT to do it!

*Southern comfort is for bourbon drinkers who don’t like bourbon
*If your drink of choice is rum- go for a Mount Gay or Ron de Jeremy
*Bundy is only acceptable if you’re wearing a flanny, belt buckle and at a barn dance!

*If you order a vodka don’t try and pretend it’s not for you with a line like “oh that’s for my friend”
*Don’t try and butch it up by taking the straw out with a scoff. All that says is your masculinity can be questioned by a straw!

*Never ask which beers are low carb
*If you order a light, i don’t need to know it is because you are driving
*Don’t order a shandy and compensate by lowering your voice and winking at me


Bartenders ignore you for a reason

It may come as a shock to you but the person serving you your drink doesn’t actually care what happened at work, or with your girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband. And shock horror, but we definitely don’t want to see pictures of your kids or your pets or the meal you had last night!
The more time we have to spend babysitting you the less chance we get to serve other customers and make tips. So if you choose to share your life story, be prepared to be avoided by the bartender! They have a job to do and they can’t perform it if they have to fake laugh at your jokes because no one else will, or fain sympathy because your husband doesn’t care that you made a mistake cheating with the guy down the street.
So, to sum up
Step one. Order your drink
Step two. Leave!
If the bartender wants to strike up a conversation, they will.

Wolf whistles and cat calls

I don’t walk into your place of work, demand you stop what you are doing by snapping my fingers and whistling at you.

Some piece of advice for anyone wanting decent service at the bar

1. NEVER click, clap, whistle or tap the bar for service
2. NEVER call me babe
3. Don’t cough under your breath or clear your throat to announce your presence
4. If i’m making drinks, don’t come and stand in front of me thinking that is your best chance to be served next
5. On that note, if it is a full bar, don’t stand near the till or eyeball me thinking you will be served quicker. We make note of the order people turn up!
6. Tip generously on your first round! Your second round will be an equally generous pour with speedy service

The Desperate Housewives

I sit in the next room spying on the mothers group meeting in the boardroom of the hotel. The women seem to be getting their weekly fix of gossip. The bottles of wine around the table seem oddly out of place with the bunch of prams crowding the room. The shrill, urgent voices of desperate housewives who have too much to say resonate throughout the hall outside. Typical of their title, the housewives could almost be epitomised by the beverages they consumed.

The obviously boozed woman of the group was given away by two bottles of wine. One, lying empty on the table in front of her, the other clutched protectively in her hand. Her longing eyes darting around the table from each glass of wine gave the impression that at any moment she could leap the distance and skull the contents.

A manicured hand gripped the first woman’s arm supportively and her shoulders slumped in defeat. The hand belonged to a beautiful woman dressed only in expensive labels. If I told you she was drinking a Cosmo, you wouldn’t be surprised. Her heavily made up face turned across the table to the source of wailing that had just begun. She gave a look of pity.

The hysterical crying came from a baby in the arms of a woman who had the sense of drowning about her. Her frantic pleading with the baby came to no avail and eventually got up to leave. Her unwashed hair and day old make up was illuminated by the unforgiving lights as she stood up. All that was left behind was an empty glass that had momentarily held a double vodka. Straight.

The only other woman in the group hadn’t drawn my attention until Double Vodka had left the room. Sitting hunched in a corner she looked shy and perhaps a little scared. I got the feeling she was happy to stay in the shadows. The glass of water she sipped unobtrusively was appropriate however, the lemon in her glass seemed a little risqué.

Apply within

“Vodka squash no ice, Carlton, make it two, no make them Super Dry, a Strongbow original with a glass of ice and a gin and tonic, tall glass with lime”…. Was all the acknowledgment I got before the woman turns to continue her phone conversation. I finsh her order and wait a respectable amount of time being ignored before reaching over the bar, grabbing her phone and dropping it in her ginandtonictallglasswithlime!
I wish
Episodes like this are common place in my job. If I am not dealing with rude patrons such as I’m-too-busy-talking-on-the-phone-to-pay-you-any-attention woman, then I am dodging the wondering hands of the locals who get all too familiar after their seventh hour in the pub.

Local bar seeks tender with no self respect and who welcomes insults. Applicants must take abuse, both verbal and physical, on a regular basis and be willing to work in a hostile environment’ should have read the job description!

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